


Don't Say Goodbye

by notcrypticbutcoy



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, older!alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 06:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4656234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrypticbutcoy/pseuds/notcrypticbutcoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec and Magnus find comfort in each other when it seems like all hope is lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ganseys_mint_plant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ganseys_mint_plant/gifts).



> For minipage. For all your awesome comments, for all our conversations, and for inadvertently inspiring me to write 3,000 words of angst!

It had taken Magnus hours to fall asleep. It was an uncomfortable position, sitting in a chair, head resting on his arms which were crossed on the bed, and he'd left the lamp by the side of their bed on. He never had been good at sleeping with the lamp on. But also, above all that, he'd been fighting against the unending despair and agony and heartache he was experiencing.

He wanted to playfully resent the soft fingers brushing through his hair that woke him up. He wanted to glare at the man lying on the bed. He wanted to grumble and groan and have his husband tease him for it.

But, in reality, the moment he opened his eyes to see Alec's gently smiling face, he had to fight back a sob. Despite the wrinkles now adorning his aged face, despite the sparse grey hairs that now replaced what had been soft, lush black hair, despite the fact that Alec could now as easily shoot an arrow as he could run a mile (not at all) those blue eyes remained perfectly unchanged. 

Magnus had always held onto those eyes. Those eyes that seemed to see right through his pretences and walls, deep into his heart and soul. Those eyes that knew when he needed to be comforted, when he needed laughter, when he needed to sulk and rant and cry. 

Those eyes that still sparkled, still held his husband's every emotion, and were still so, inherently Alec.

"Morning," Alec said, voice a little raspy. Magnus couldn't decide whether that was because he'd recently woken up, or because he was desperately thirsty. 

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. "Good morning, my darling."

Alec's eyes softened. A hand, tainted by age and shaking a little, reached up to touch the bags underneath Magnus' eye. "I'm sorry, Mags."

Magnus' heart clenched. Still apologising unnecessarily, even now. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Alexander." 

Alec's hand flattened to rest along the span of Magnus' cheek. Magnus closed his eyes for just a moment and leant into the touch. He could imagine, if he didn't look, that things were all okay. That they still had years ahead of them; that Alec could still make it out of bed and around the house with perfect ease, and still insisted on going out to get things from the Institute, even though Magnus could get there much faster. 

If he didn't look, he wouldn't see the marks of illness over Alec's face. 

"I do," Alec whispered. Magnus opened his eyes, and nuzzled his cheek into Alec's palm. "I do. I'm hurting you. You're not sleeping properly. You're worried. You're scared. And you're dreading the inevitable." Alec gave him a sad look, and Magnus held back the sob that wanted to escape.

Contrary to what Alec had always thought would be the case, the ageing of the Shadowhunter had never bothered Magnus. It had bothered Alec far more than it had ever bothered him. 

Magnus thought back to one of the worst arguments they'd ever had. Save Camille, it was probably their worst. 

The day hadn't started off as anything particularly dodgy. They'd been walking down the street, heading towards Taki's, hand-in-hand. Alec had just turned forty-one, and the signs of his age were starting to be more visible. His hairline was receding around his temples, and the laughter lines around his mouth and eyes were more prominent. 

That day was the first time they got a very strange, pointed look from a woman when Alec, laughing at something Magnus had said, pressed a kiss to his cheek. Magnus was sure that people had done a double-take when they saw them out together before then, but it was the first time that anybody had gawked so openly, or frowned so disapprovingly. 

And Alec had noticed. 

It led to a very long, very drawn-out argument between the two of them. By the end of it, they'd both shed tears, both screamed themselves hoarse, and Magnus had been honestly terrified that that would mark the end of their marriage. They barely spoke for days. Alec stayed with Jace and Clary at the Instititue. Magnus moped at the apartment, avoiding questions from anyone who asked.

But they got through it. It took Alec a while to get used to the fact that mundanes would never understand their relationship, but he'd learnt to ignore the stares.

Magnus hauled his mind back to the present. He took both Alec's hands in his, and kissed his knuckles. "Don't be apologising to me, Alec, please. Not now. You-" Magnus took a moment to compose himself. "You must be scared, too."

Alec gave Magnus a melancholy smile that Magnus, for all his years and experience, really didn't understand. Age had never really affected him, like it did mortals. He didn't know what it felt like to grow old, or to see death looming. Alec did. 

All of a sudden, Magnus felt very, very young, and very, very fearful.

"No." Alec shook his head from where he'd managed to prop himself up a little on the pillows. Stubborn, Magnus thought fondly. "I'm not scared, Mags. I swear. I've lived much longer than I ever thought I would. I lived longer than any of the others. I get to die here, safe and happy, with you. I'm not alone. And I've lived a wonderful life with you." Alec's smile became a little watery. "I'm scared for you, though."

Magnus thought over all the heartbreaks he and Alec had experienced in their lives together. Isabelle had been the first to go—the typical Shadowhunter death, dying gloriously in a battle against a huge swarm of demons that Alec had barely gotten out of alive. 

That had destroyed them all. Isabelle had been young - too young - and her death had sent Alec spiralling into a deep, dark web of depression that Jace and Magnus had fought tooth and nail to pull him out of. 

Then had been Simon, several years later. It was just like Alec had always told Magnus: one tiny mistake, one momentary lapse in concentration was all it took for a Shadowhunter to cross the line between life and death.

Jace went out in very typical Jace style. He and Clary had been running the Institute together after Alec made the decision that he couldn't run the place when he didn't live in it, and Jace had heard reports of a demon terrorising a group of kids. Though he was too old to be going out on hunts by then, particularly on his own, he'd done it anyway, to the unending fury of Alec and Clary. 

Even Magnus had been deeply hurt by Jace's death. But with Clary inconsolable and Alec threatening to go to a worse place than he had when Isabelle had died, Magnus had been forced to push his own pain to one side.

It had taken a very long time for Alec to be okay again after Jace had died. And then Clary had gone too, suddenly, after a stroke that nobody had been expecting, and Magnus had realised, quite abruptly, that Alec didn't have many years left.

"Hey." Alec squeezed Magnus' hands with none of the strength he'd once possessed. Alec had kept remarkably healthy, up until a couple of years ago, when getting up and down the stairs had suddenly become a task that had taken a very long time. It had broken Magnus' heart to see Alec so frustrated by the restrictions of his own body. But, even then, he'd been firm; strong.

Magnus hated this. He hated watching Alec waste away. He had no idea how long they had before some vital part of Alec's body gave out. It wouldn't be long. Magnus knew that. Weeks? Days? Hours? 

They'd tried so hard to make every day matter. They'd made an effort to make their little forever important. But, now that it was drawing to a close, Magnus couldn't help but think of all the things he wanted to do with Alec again. He wanted to dance with him again. He wanted to go to Paris again and look off the top of the Eiffel Tower and kiss him softly. He wanted to thread their fingers together while they walked down the street. He wanted to greet Alec with a kiss and peel off that ichor-covered leather, like he had every day before Alec stopped going on hunts regularly. He wanted to trace over every faded Rune on his body, with his fingers and then his lips and then his tongue. He wanted to curl up on the sofa and watch TV. He wanted to have sex—because sex with Alec was so much more than just sex. He wanted to go to Taki's. He wanted to be told off for being rude and petulant. He wanted to be admonished for doing nasty things to horrible clients. 

But he couldn't do any of those things. All he could do was sit with Alec while his life came to an unremarkable, slow end, trying to keep Alec's pain as low as possible and his own grief at bay. 

"Magnus," Alec said, drawing the warlock's attention. His frail hands traced over the veins in Magnus' wrists. "It's okay. I'm okay. Everything will be okay."

Magnus choked out a hollow laugh. "How can you say that? Nothing is going to be okay."

They both knew that Alec was dying. It was the first time Magnus had accepted, out loud, that there was nothing to be done about it.

Alec's gentle chastising broke Magnus' heart even more. "Everything will be okay, Magnus, because I believe in you. I believe that you're strong. I believe that you can get through this. You've got Tessa. You've got Catarina. You've worked through people you love dying before. I know you can do it again. You'll be okay, Mags."

The warlock shook his head and bowed in, looking down and their joined hands and matching rings. His hair fell across his eyes, but Alec pushed it back gently. He didn't understand. After all the times Magnus had told him, shown him, he still didn't understand.

"They weren't you, Alexander," Magnus whispered, looking up at him. Unbidden, tears welled in Magnus' eyes, his throat knotted up, and he struggled to speak. When he did, his voice was a croak. "You're special. I've never loved anyone like I've loved you. There is no getting over you, or getting past you, or moving on from you. You are it for me. You're everything to me." His breathing hitched, and he let go of one of Alec's hands to grip at his hair. "I can't lose you, Alec. I can't- I don't know how to survive without you."

"You'll endure," Alec quipped with a smile. "Just like you always said you would. And if there is an afterlife, or something more, then I'll wait for you, and maybe one day I'll see you again. And if not..." Alec gave a philosophical shrug. "If not, then we had this. And it was perfect."

"I can't." Magnus felt utterly broken. "I can't."

He didn't mean to cry. He'd told himself he wouldn't shed tears like that, or lose all control. Not yet. Not now. Not when Alec needed him. But the tears dripped down his cheeks before he could stop them, and his body shook as he bent his head and pressed his forehead to where he was clutching at Alec's hands. 

Alec let him cry. Magnus realised, at that moment, that no matter what happened, no matter what the situation was, he needed Alec just as much as Alec needed him. 

"Come here," Alec said softly. 

Magnus, trembling, lifted his tear-streaked face to gaze into Alec's clear blue eyes. Alec's hand slid up his back. Magnus caught onto what his husband wanted without any words needing to be spoken. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, then moved so that he was sitting on the edge of their bed, and drew Alec up, carefully, into his arms. 

They sat like that for a long, immeasurable period. Magnus felt the slow, still-steady, less powerful beat of Alec's heart against his chest; the soft brush of his hair against his cheek; the grip of his arms around his waist; the caress of his fingers against the strip of skin on his back between his jeans and tank top.

"I love you, Alec," Magnus told him. "So much."

"I love you too, Magnus." He felt Alec swallow heavily, and he pulled back slowly from their embrace to look at him. For the first time, Alec looked sad. Magnus felt alarmed when he saw the glistening of tears that had leaked out, but Alec spoke before he could question him. "You know, the only thing I feel really unhappy about is the thought of losing you." He blinked. "I don't want to lose you."

Magnus didn't know how to respond to that. Because the reality was that they were going to lose each other, and no magic of Magnus' could stop that. 

So he did what he and Alec had always been good at. He cupped his jaw in one hand, still supporting him a little by his waist with the other arm, and kissed him, slowly, softly, sweetly, expressing as much of the tender love he felt for that man as he could in one action.

When they pulled apart, Alec rested their foreheads together, his chest rising and fall much more quickly than it should have been, and they spent several seconds just looking at each other.

"Magnus?"

"Mm?"

"Can you just sit here and hold me as though I'm not going to die soon? And watch TV or something?"

Magnus nodded. "Of course. Anything you want, darling." He kissed the bridge of Alec's nose. The sight of that blue looking at him as though he'd just promised Alec the day of his dreams did him in. "Your eyes have always been so beautiful," he murmured, brushing a thumb under one of them. "They haven't changed at all, in all the time I've known you."

"I'm not beautiful anymore, Mags. I haven't been beautiful for a long time."

Magnus told Alec off silently. "You will always be the most beautiful person on the planet to me."

Alec rolled his eyes. "You're biased."

Magnus felt a little better now that they were back to their usual banter. "My opinion is the only one that matters, so your point is irrelevant."

Alec smirked. "Feeling cocky, warlock?"

Magnus grinned. "Possibly, Shadowhunter."

Magnus rearranged the pillows, and Alec, ever-stubborn, moved himself sideways so that Magnus had room to sit beside him. Magnus pulled Alec gently back so that he was leaning against Magnus' chest and bent-up knee, his legs stretched out sideways over Magnus' other leg, which lay flat on the bed.

He snapped his fingers to summon the TV and the remote, and gave Alec free reign over what they watched.

Alec paused suddenly. "Magnus? Can I ask you a favour?"

Magnus frowned. "Of course. Always. Anything."

Frankly, Magnus would have committed any number of unforgivable sins if it made Alec happy. But he knew that Alec would never ask him something like that—he wasn't that kind of person.

Alec seemed a little distracted as he fiddled with the material of Magnus' top. "When I die—"

Magnus' heart clenched. "Alec, do we have to—"

"Yes." Alec's voice was firm. "We do. When I die, don't forget about me. I know that I'm only a small part of your life, and that you could live for another ten thousand years, potentially, but please, remember me. I just—" Alec screwed his eyes shut. "I don't want to become a faceless name to you. A past love that you can't really remember anymore."

Magnus wanted to shake him. If he weren't in such a fragile state, he might have done. Lightly, of course. Hurting Alec had never been something on his agenda. "You're being ridiculous," he told him. "Stop it."

Alec shook his head, a determined look in his eyes. Steely, beautiful, strong. Inadvertently, Magnus was reminded of a very, very long time ago when they'd first gone on a date together, and had sat in a Downworlder restaurant. The same look had been in Alec's eyes when he'd told Magnus that they could stay there, despite the fact that half the place's customers wanted Alec gone. 

Alec looked right at Magnus, eyes not wavering. "Promise me."

"Firstly," Magnus said, "if I live another ten thousand years, I will go insane. Four centuries has been hard enough. Secondly, there is a reason I take photographs of you. And thirdly, I could live for a millennium and I would remember you perfectly. I will never, ever forget one thing about you, Alec. Ever. I'll always remember that you have black coffee and love comfy sweaters with holes in them that are way too endearing, and that you have an enormous heart and are fiercely loyal and protective, and that you wrinkle your nose in that adorable way of yours, and that when you smile you smile properly, with you whole face, and that your eyes really are the windows to your incredible, beautiful soul. You'll never leave my mind, my Alec. Ever."

They were both crying again. Alec didn't seem to have any words to respond to Magnus' little speech with, and if Magnus said anything more he knew he'd start sobbing again. So, instead, they clung to each other, soaking up their last moments. 

They watched TV for the rest of the day. When they were bored, Magnus summoned take-out, and felt foolish hope bloom in his chest when Alec ate a little more than he had been over the past week. 

He was still dying, Magnus reminded himself sternly. Hoping and prolonging the pain wouldn't change that. But they could enjoy these moments.

When they were done, Magnus helped Alec out of bed and onto the couch for a change of scenery. He debated a bath, but they'd done that yesterday, and he wasn't sure he wanted to do it again so soon. 

In the evening, when Alec started looking sleepy and Magnus felt himself starting to yawn, he carried his husband back into their bedroom, undressed them both, and climbed into bed beside him. He held Alec close, just as he always had, and they fell asleep in each other's arms, neither knowing exactly what the future held, but both content to make the most of the present.


End file.
